Inching Closer Home

Every day she settles more into her new life. "New year new career" had been her motto. New year new goals. Read books. Write words. Make music. Take walks. Explore. And she has. She lives in a tiny home with four others and every chance they get they add a touch of spice here and re-arrange for a bit more space there. Each week it inches closer to feeling like home. She feels settled. Content in a way she may never have felt before. More sure of herself yet more open to change. More time alone yet daily more happy. More settled in life yet more ready for the future. And that's just it, all she has left is whatever lies ahead.

A Faultless Homecoming

It had been nearly two years, but when I stepped off the plane it felt like no time had passed. Instantly I felt like that girl again; the one who believes anything is possible and who can’t ever sleep at night because the stars are out and she knows if she keeps trying she just might catch one. And Juneau was the same in that way where even the few changes that have been made were instantly noticed like a new scar on the back of my hand. This place is as close to me as skin. I immediately stowed my bags at my hotel and took to the hills answering, after all this time, their constant if now faint, call. Only this time the snow fell and my feet made tracks that will eventually disappear. The bright white served not to cover but to highlight the details my mind has been so careful to calculate and preserve. Jagged corners of steep mountains and deep crevasses of avalanche chutes. The feel of rocks in my hand and soft purple hues of mountain air. I sensed the chill of the winds from the ice field and gazed with wonder at the Eagles who embraced it with their wings outstretched, soaring on what they too have learned to trust. I ran with my arms outstretched and lungs full of the sweetest air remembered. The fog of my breath went out before me and welcomed me home.

My One Crazy Life

People often tell me they are jealous of my adventurous life. I appreciate their sentiments. It used to frustrate me to hear them say how they wished they could go on a long cross country road trip and then back pack in Europe for a couple weeks. “you can do it too” I would think. You see there is nothing about me that makes me especially more “adventurous” or “lucky” than anyone else. I have just made different choices. What is it that holds you back from taking that wild step? What ever is holding you back is probably something I have chosen to give up in order to live my life. Orderliness and stability have long been gone from my vocabulary but often found on my wish list. A loving spouse and domestic partner, children, a home community, all things that I have yet to throw myself into, such pursuits have only proven to hold me back from my goals. And what exactly are my goals? Why is it worth it for me to give up such goals? These are the questions I am faced at the turn of every new season, every new venture, and every new move. In the years I have spent asking and answering these questions I have learned a great deal about myself and found a possible general answer that does in fact differentiate me from the average jealous city dweller and career chaser. And just as the questions are many and complex so was and is the path to the answers. You see there came a point in my life, long ago, when I vowed not to settle for ordinary. I would never do something just because it was “the way things are done”. I vowed to choose. I have taken this vow very seriously and it has led me through years of joy laced with turmoil and above all personal growth. I allow myself to ask the big questions and seek out honest and true answers that I can confidently believe. Honesty with myself is the most important. I have made some beautiful discoveries and allowed myself the joy of simple pleasures. In it all I have struggled with becoming the person I would be if I believed in myself and to run from the person I would be if I fit the mold set out for me. This journey has led me to college in Oklahoma, work in Alaska, trips across the country and to Europe. I have had the chance to take photographs, write prose, read books, paint memories, brush elbows with strangers, cry with friends, laugh alone, run half marathons, drive buses, hike mountains, swim in the ocean, kiss on a dare, dare to dream, and turn dreams into reality. I have uncovered pieces of myself in over 15 countries and 30 states. I have friends scattered all over the world. It is only now that clinging to my family and allowing things to tie me down have begun to look less scary. It is only now that I have begun to see that love and connections and others in general can never actually “tie me down”. It is only now I have begun to feel that I have uncovered my greatest accomplishment. It is only now that I feel like I have found the greatest missing piece of myself. It is only now I have begun to feel that I am unleashing my inner voice of authority. It is only now that I have begun to feel as though I have claimed my life as my own to live and so have been able to really give my life to others in the true sense of relationship, in the sole definition of love, and in a beauty that lasts every day. It is only now that I have begun to feel the complete freedom to choose to be me.

Jet Setter

3 days, 3 cities, 3 days "off". Most days it takes a full minute after waking to realize my current identity. Where am I? What role am I playing today? Friend? Sister? Flight attendant? Polite stranger? Exhausted ghost? Teacher? It has been a month since I have slept in the same bed twice in a row. Last time I was "home" I repacked and got right into bed where I slept for 4 1/2 hours before getting up, showering and heading to work. This morning I flew in, showered, changed, brushed my teeth, and headed down town to get brunch with my two year old boyfriend and his family. This moment, in which I am sitting at a coffee shop, drinking a soy latte for here and attempting to read, is the first moment I have had to myself with nothing and no one pressing for my time and my attention in about a month. No wonder I napped all weekend. My identity changes every day as my role changes. Today I choose to be adventurous ghost, tonight I will be roommate, and tomorrow I will be responsible flight attendant getting ready for work. I have seen friends recently I haven't seen in 3 plus years, quite a few identity shifts ago. Instead of feeling completely nomadic and homeless, I feel like I have multiple homes in various locations. The sky is my home and so is every where it takes me. And I am the same every where I go, but that doesn't mean my identity there is unchanged. With so many homes I feel the roots of my identity getting shallower as they are each pulled by one another. I belong everywhere and so I don't solely belong anywhere. I am my own identity. And I am thankful for so many couches all around the world! Written 3/19/13

A Return

The soft glow of the city reaches me on the 9th floor of my hotel room. Even the twinkly lights seem to be shining brighter in this moment as I realize another dream has come true. Alaska in the winter and Alaska unexplored. Oh Alaska, my first real love and my first real break up. It was this time a year ago I was reeling from the realization that I would no longer be returning there to live as I had been, but needed to move on to other ventures. Honest and true heart break. And here I am, in Anchorage, in winter, wandering, for I am a wanderer. The lights shine brighter and my heart glows stronger. In this moment I feel alive as though I am really living and in this moment I love my dear family and friends deeply as though I am truly loving them and I am missing them strongly as though I am truly separated from them. Truth is I also feel connected with them as though they were inside my soul living my life with me, sitting in this hotel with me, listening to Ben Howard with me, and grinning like a school girl with me as we gaze in awe and excitement at the slowly fading outlines of majestic mountains, dreaming of what other adventures they hold for us. written 2/24/13

Seattleite?

The deed has been done, the move has been made. I am a Seattleite. Well not quite, my stuff is still in storage and I am living out of a hotel until I can sign my apartment lease next month, but I have moved out of my portland home and received my deposit back. I had a 3 hour drive alone in a uhaul to come to terms with the move. It was the first few moments of alone time I have had in what feels like months. My brain felt numb and I just kept thinking about how bad I had to pee, how hard it is to keep up to steady traffic flow in a uhaul and how I wish it wasn't raining. But I also thought that if I can't live in portland at least I get to live in the northwest, and what a lucky girl (woman) I am to get to live in the perfect place with the perfect job. After dropping my stuff in a friends garage and delivering a mattress to a second location I completed my final drop off over in west Seattle surrounded by new friends. Finished for the night, tired and wearing heavy boots I climbed up into my trusty old uhaul and turned out onto Alki Ave to head to my temporary home. I followed the road along the beach and around the bend when suddenly before my eyes appeare the entire Seattle skyline blanketed in a soft glow from its night lights. I swear time stood still for just a moment, but maybe my foot on the brake had a little influence. I thought to myself, "Sure Seattle, you can propose to me here. I'm not really looking for a long term commitment without a chance to get to know you better, but you can ask me just the same. And anyway, a girl sure can dream."

Shark Week

We are nearing the end and have entered was is called "shark week." Apparently this is the toughest week of the course AND we get to jump in the pool tomorrow in our clothes. I still need to figure out what I am going to wear! In other words, the end is in sight, though barely. One week from tomorrow I will be winged and I won't have to sit in that classroom anymore because I will be able to fly. Literally. But seriously. I have reached the point of deliriousness. I know it's shocking that I made it this long. As we enter our fourth straight week of lectures I can no longer keep back all of the off hand comments that come flying into my head any time a simple sentence is uttered for anything. I have a comeback for everything. Try me. The best part is our in flight boss is in this class with us and he sat by me today and threw quite a few of his own into the mix. It's like opening a soda bottle that has been shaken up and releasing some of the pressure. Since I have found an outlet for my stir crazy mind while in class I finally feel like I am in no danger of popping. Now bring on the pool.