Deborah anne

Bus stops in big cities

2012-01-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

Sunsets remind her of traveling. It's the only time she ever sees them. She has watched the sun rise over barren midwest lands, cold and tired from endless work. And she has watched the sun unfold over majestic peaks of an endless sea of mountains, the alps spreading on from Austria and moving into switzerland, second by second being unveiled as the sun draws back the curtains of night. On a ferry slowly meandering the inside passage she watched with excitement as the rarely seen rising sun lit up wild lands that few men, if any at all, have placed their feet. From the window of a train heading north, a car heading east, from the window of a plane orbiting the earths circumference she watched the sun hang in the air for hours, refusing to leave it's post as she passed London, Greenland, Iceland (setting, not rising), wanting her so badly to see it all it refused to leave until it had illuminated everything on her journey. And even here at home, while waiting for the bus to take her to her suffocating 9-5 position, the sun gleams it's yellow light on this simple street where she lives. Perhaps she can learn to travel at home.

A year ago

2012-01-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

She needed to be alone. It wasn't that anything bad had happened. She hadn't had any fights or break-ups, nobody had died, she hadn't been estranged from her family. But still, she needed to be alone.
Her life had gone from simple nothings to extreme everythings. People, work, travel, school, more people and more work and more travel... She loved it all and she reveled in it and it had overtaken her, overwhelmed her, tired her right out. She was exhausted and warn. Thin. She had learned and changed so much, had given to others and taken little for herself. She had morphed and now she barely knew herself anymore.

It was time to be still. To listen to her thoughts. To wright them out over and over again, so as not to miss a single noun. It was time to be still. To do little and be intentional. To do the things she had always wanted to do. To play piano and paint pictures and ride mo-peds. To watch documentaries and listen to books on tape. To watch movies in bed. To watch them twice in a row just because she liked them that much. And to cry in them, just because they moved her that much. That would be a big deal, when she let that first tear drop well up in her eye, become so full it flooded the brims holding it in place ad slid over the edge, like a suicide victim sliding over the slim edge of a roof top to their last few fleeting moments of bliss before their imminent death. It can be scary to show how you feel, but exuberayting to learn.

And in these silent walls of someone elses life, she would reinvent her own.

Settling or Something

2011-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

So I am now officially "settled" into my new home in Sellwood, OR in SE Portland. I live in a large house with my sister Tabitha, brother-in-law Jon, and friend Chris. Every day since the 1st of November (when my dear BEEGEE's went home) has been spent unpacking, buying furniture (from the goodwill bins, or heaven on earth as some may call it), arranging, cleaning, visualizing, and watching gilmore girls. Since I have been in this house Jon's grandma has died, my best friend Brooke got engaged, I went to a Joshua James concert, and I rode up a nasty hill on my bike without stopping.
So now I am here, in the Rose City, the River City, the City of Bridges, the place I have always called "home". And I tell you, it is strange to be here. Lovely and awkard and boring and exciting and lonely and comforting. Some days I feel like the whole world is at my fingertips and I will never have enough time to explore the whole city. Other days I feel like I am right where I was when I left home at the age of 17 and all the growing I have done has somehow gotten lost somewhere in hidden void because some things never change.
And I love that I have a huge back porch and book shelf full of books I have read and still have yet to read. I have prints to frame of places that I have loved with my whole heart, and new art to find to fill the empty spaces on my sponge painted wall (although lets be honest, how many empty spaces can there really be on a wall that has been painted with a sponge?). I have a job to find. I have friends to still reunite with, and other friends yet to make. I have the rest of fall, all of winter, spring.... and dreams to realize so I can work on them becoming reality.

This is home, so I guess I am exploring my roots.

Links in a chain

2011-10-14T13:25:00.001-07:00

The wide open road. And here we are, cruising, hair tossing in the wind that roars through the open window as the long awaited sun soaks our skin, music blaring and we are giddy at the thought of possibility. Life and all it's prospects and all it's crazy cats just waiting for us to drive up and greet them in unexpected embrace, throw our heads back and laugh- that first memorable moment that locks us together like links in a chain, forever apart of each others history.

Now half way through. The road still open though curved in order to take us back to where we left, to where semi-permanent homes offer their own adventures and journeys, and aren't all home always semi-permanent?

And now the season is in full change, each leaf on each branch holding it's own unique color with which to excitedly welcome us to each new city, welcome banners on tiny branches ceaselessly waving as we pass, "come on in and see the change that has come over this city, come and see the rawness of humanity while in it's most exposed state, as it strips off summer identities and, naked, searches for a new outfit, one warm enough to carry through winter. And watch as each new bitter wind whips passed and tests their choices and they learn what they are made of."

And we get tired, so we pull off on the side of the road to indulge in ice cream and watch a fire works show, huddle under the rough Mexican blanket. And we get out our instruments and strum a new tune and find rejuvenation in the laugh of a baby and the gentle touch of a child. And once again the long road greets us, a long set of links awaiting their turn to be connected, uniting where we began with where we are now with where we will end in a seamless circle cherished people and moments.

A life well lived amidts the constant changing of the seasons.

Walmart I am thankful today

2011-10-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well we decided paying for a place in albequerque for 7 hours wasn't worth it, and we didnt want to camp because o the rain, so we parked in Walmart and spent the night in the car with security parked close by. It was nice and we had our sleeping bags.

Season

2011-10-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

I was in a cozy living room with some most cherished friends who had gathered in Ferndale, WA last week and we were playing a game. The game was called questions or something simple like because all you did was answer questions and guess who answered what. Silly things like what would you love to disinvent, what one thing in the bathroom could you never throw away... But the one that was most interesting asked us to sum up our lives using only one word. My answer: seasons.
For everything we do and everything we are is done in seasons. The basic weather seasons, the seasons of growing up, the seasons of friendships cycling, sports seasons, the seasons of learning and growing, of having short hair and long hair, learning to drive cars, vans, scooters or buses, seasons of being alone and seasons of being surrounded, seasons of sickness and seasons of the best health you have ever had.
Recently I finished a fourth seasons of working in Alaska and I wonder if my summer Alaska seasons are going to be finished. At this for this season in my life. If maybe all these seasons are leading me, and maybe have led me, to a place where its time to be still and stationary though never stagnant. To a season of intentional living, of family, of porch swings and traveling only to return home once again. A season of staying put for a winter and maybe even a summer.
I wonder.
After i finish my month long road trip with my friend Ericka visiting many beautiful places and beautiful people (currently in Wrightwood, CA with April, Jackson, Joel, Brad, Lexi, Jeff, Marie, and a surprise visit from Abby and Dylan..) I will return to a home in Sellwood, OR (Portland) with a room that has my name on it and a family of roommates waiting for me to begin this new season together. At home.
As we learn to travel in our Season of togetherness.

Simple Desire

2011-08-09T01:12:00.001-07:00

We have made so many things that separate us from what once was all that we knew. Cement to cover dirt paths, text messages and cell phones to cover answering machines and answering machines to cover face to face contact, cars to cover walking, grocery stores to cover growing it ourselves, tv to cover silence, video games to cover throwing rocks and playing in dirt, reading books, cowboys and Indians. It’s the simple life I love and I desire. The more I dream about it that happier I am, the more peace I feel. It’s the connection to earth, to what my spirit was made for, that I miss and I long for and that I find in the simple things. I find it in picking flowers, playing music and singing with friends, open fire, sun peaking through the clouds, running in the rain, giggling just because you are happy and you feel it, speaking in honesty, living in log cabins by the water’s edge, cemetery’s full of lives well lived, written words, and children running barefoot through forests, along beaches, in the grass, but mostly feeling the wind on their faces and rippling through their hair.

7/31/11

2011-08-01T00:26:00.001-07:00

City at night, slowing down and asleep, washed in a sprinkle of rain and darkness.
Sitting six streets up in the windowsill, listening to bright eyes, wearing my p.j.’s, and overlooking the peaceful streets of Juneau in their most vulnerable state. Closed eyes, closed windows, closed doors, heads down. A heavy sigh it gives as the lights go out even as they flicker on. Guard is down.
Night is different than the peace of the morning when the city is silently pruning itself with the first lights of day as it prepares itself to greet the early risers with sunrise, coffee, and dew covered leaves. Night is a peace of rest when the city is not expecting to be seen or to see. Deeds can be hidden, lovers can love without hindrance, depression can lead one over a bridge, travel can lead you over many hidden miles, and a person can sit and be left alone. In honesty, quiet, and in peace.
As I sit six stories up looking at Juneau in the night, I think about individuality.
Individuality. The individual that continues through each new circumstance. Like the city street that stays the same though all the faces change. One year, two years, three and now four and each different than the one before. But Juneau and I, though we have grown older and still wiser, are the same. Learning to love and care for the faces that roam our streets and walk through our doors. Realizing that closed doors can be open and even locks can be broken and some people are kind enough to wipe off their feet or take off their shoes before stepping inside. That though many have crossed the threshold, both in and out, we have survived and continue still to stand. Continuous and the same as we change.

Another Alaska Post

2011-07-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

It’s been 2 months and I am still amazed and just how good “helplessness blues” is. Sunday music fest is simply a dream every week when we get together with good friends and play good music and sometimes make good brownies. Salsa dancing on Saturday nights is eye-opening, a work out, and mostly some of the best fun I have ever had. Hearing how much the staff loves our silent dance parties and dreaming about them all joining our next one makes me giddy. What if the whole town joined? Putting photos on the wall makes me feel at home. Lying on our lawn chairs on the “roof” while we read and write and listen to bright eyes is the epitome of perfection. The simple improvements every day in my climbing and the few times I can actually take some time away from life and go on a run are invigorating. Sitting in a circle in the couches in the lobby or the chairs in the kitchen and sharing ideas about school, marriage, and tears (group therapy) brings us so much closer and makes relationships so much more important. And getting my guests to share the corniest jokes they can think of while getting off my bus at the glacier leads to not only the most fun I have ever had on tour but the creation of the well wishing phrase: “I hope that you have such a whale of a time that it really seals the deal and you can bearly believe it! Juneau what? You otter come back next year!” And while NPR shares its music and I enjoy scooter rides with almost all my friends I think about how different, yet again, this summer is. And more importantly I find that it’s the little unique things that permeate the seams of my daily life which are setting the stage for my Alaskan dream, for the dream which I am living, the dream which will always be living inside me whether in Alaska or not. It’s taking advantage of every day, learning to love, really love, every person, and not neglecting the beauty that is constantly around you, even when you see it every day.

Familiar Corners

2011-05-15T16:53:00.001-07:00

Familiar corners
Open windows
Red. Green. Yellow
Stop. Go. Continue and roam
But I sit still
watching
life
that goes by and by
not once looking
at my open window
where i am invisibly transparent
but solid
as stone
eyes gleaming and streaming
the coming and going
of the city with the lettered streets coffee
and the short red walk way
that also sits on the corner
watching and waiting
for you
who miss the birds diving and soaring
the dogs laying and napping
the buses picking up and dropping
the sun rising and setting
over the bay
and the open sign that welcomes the community of those who do
those you may never know
in your speeding and swerving
typing and talking
running and lifting
sleeping and walking
and starting all over again
For they sit alone
drinking and smelling
writing and listening
smiling and observing
the coming and going
of you
while they learn what it means to learn
to taste
to smell
to breath
and to be
alone
together.

so...thoughtful?

2011-05-15T01:01:00.000-07:00

today after church some people played basketball. some new kid was there who i had never met before and when he found out i wasn't going to play he looked at me and asked, "are you handicapped?"

......
"well, no. but thanks for asking" was my response.

As We Silently Dance

2011-05-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

It has been almost two weeks and already we are settled in nicely. Ericka and I are roommates in a hotel bedroom on a floor with many other drivers. We enjoy scooting to work when able and walking when not, watching episodes of modern family before bed, eating breakfast upstairs in the kitchen, playing music and sharing life with the boys “upstairs”, and of course telling the tales of Juneau from tourists from around the world.
Today was a wonder. What started as a regular rainy day off (though days off are more irregular than regular) turned into having one of the top ten experiences of life, probably. Had breakfast in the kitchen, went for a 7 ½ mile run in Juneau, ate lunch at the Hanger (yes please and thank you for grilled halibut burgers), napped, and then participated in the experience of a life time. Silent Dance Party.
What is a silent dance party you may ask? I am here to tell you. Someone makes a play list and everyone puts in on their I-pods. Then, at exactly the same time, the whole group plugs in their headphones and presses play. The dancing commences. Today the party was in celebration of the birth of our good friend Dan, so he was appointed the “pied piper” and led us through the halls and stairs of our hotel, out the lobby, down the streets, passed the doors of establishments slowly filling with curious onlookers, some with camera’s, all the way to marine park where the party peaked and finally commenced. Photos were snapped, video was taken, sweat was poured, and energy exerted. Everyone partied in their own little worlds yet out in the open for the whole world to see.
When compared to other things I have experienced, it definitely takes a front seat.

And Another Return, Again

2011-05-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

And another return,
Again,
And again,
To a place once a stranger and now a best friend. Even as best friends are forever the same, comfortable and ageless but are also contradictorily strangers with many hidden parts we may never know, and always changing though they stay the same.

Familiarity. As though I never left. And yet the changes that have overtaken this town prove to me that for at least a moment I did leave and in my absence we have both continued our lives and are hence different. And like friends separated for a distance I am anxious to dive into the space between us and unveil the new things that lay hidden in the void, to catch up on what has happened since we last spoke, since we last sat across from each other, or walked in step, allowing time to slowly pass between us and through us leaving not a second to scatter in the wind, even as the wind is noted and appreciated for its place here beside the rhythm of our feet.

And as all memories are only a collaboration of moments imbedded imperfectly by a hopeful and imaginative mind, so this town, so vivid in my recollections whenever I call upon it, is in fact also slightly obscured when compared with such previous musing. Even more so difficult to comprehend is the comparison of reality with the vividness of memory, to take the leap outside one’s mind and into the present, remembering that you are here now and every action taken and not taken you are responsible for, with no going back for do-overs, a choose your own adventure without alternate endings. And that those choices have never before taken place for you in reality, that as much as you have remembered and imagined the days to come will be unmistakably diverse from all things conjured.

And even as much as this town is a continuation of a previous collaboration of moments now made memories it is in itself a new beginning. As each moment is. As each journey and each day and each friendship is. A beginning deserving itself of a clean slate, its own personal tabula rosa even as it may be a black page in a bulging book with writing in the margins. And so I vow to take note of every new rhythmic step as it regularly hits the ground, taking none for granted as with the sunrise every morning, realizing each time it is a gift and not promised to us, and I will feel every breeze as it scuttles around me and dear friend as we continue to know each other here and now, in the present.

Headed North

2011-04-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

Once again I find myself speeding away on a train, gliding gracefully along carefully laid tracks purposefully positioned, or so I lime to think, beside the most beautiful route between here and there. It's just me, my pack, my scattered thoughts, and those other travelers who also chose to go rather than stay.
I can't help but think how often I have been in such a situation with just me, my pack and strangers connected in silent suspended moments of our lives. Each of us in our own point along individual journeys, but for a few hours those points are the same, contained in the 7th car of a twelve car train headed north. The same sun beats on us through the window, the same puget sound lays idle in the window, the same snore of a sleeper floats in the air, an opportunity to be heard by all who have left the openings to their ear canals unrestricted. And although I haven't any plans to speak to any ears, open or not, I know that I am connected with these people we form each others journey. I am a part of their experience just as much as they are a part of mine. And though we sit silent and pacific we have something in common, going north.
And I wonder why it is that my main community constantly consists of such strangers. Why it is I surround myself with them as I am carried to and from friends and family. Why it is my friends and family are constantly asking "where are you now?" or "where are you headed?" my moves so frequent they cannot catch up. "I don't know what comes next" I want to say. "Ask the woman reading post secrets on her lap top next to me or the couple across the aisle who has been traveling all the way from Los Angeles. This is where life has brought us and who are we to know where it will take us tomorrow. Whether this time we stay home, get to be accompanied by a friend, a love, a similar soul, or get called, once again out on our own to be involved in the lives of those yet unknown to us, potential family. We know we are here now. We may know where we would like to be tomorrow or in a year, but above that we know that our lives are a complicated web pelt events and points of view that do not belong to us. How are we to know where the builders have laid the end of these tracks? We just know that, for now, we have to ride. And today, we are headed north."

A day in my life

2011-04-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday provides a great example of a typical day in my life and why I am jealous of myself...

I slept in till 10 and listened to an hour of "The Geurnsy Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" on cd before going down to the kitchen and making myself a breakfast of cut up bananas and strawberries on te side of mixed veggies and ground turkey flavoured with cumin. I ate this in my kitchen overlooking the blue Bellingham bay with a scattered cloudy sky.
After resolving a trip to fairhaven was a good way to spend the day I got dressed, sat on the front steps of my house for about 15 minutes soaking up the rare sun and noticing the signs of springs: slowing growing leaves on trees, flies jumping from bush to bush and lady bugs crawling on the ground.
I proceeded to the purple moped I am borrowing, fired her up and scooted a couple miles down the road to fairhaved. My points of interest this trip were village books (I bought used copies of "out of america" and "her fearful symmetry" after purusing all the shelves for about an hour. I can't help myself. I went next door to the paper store and bought a couple presents for family members. Then I took myself to the colophon cafe for lunch where I sat and watched the passers by outside as they reacted to the statue of a man sitting on a bench- one fellow stuck his gum up his nose.. I then walked to the library to finish a CPR and first aid class online and went back to my scooter passing a group of 3 guys getting on their motorcycles that were parked next to me. O walked ny and said, "nice bikes" they grinned , pleased, said "thanks" and proceeded to look astonished as I walked to the parking space right next to them and proceeded to put on my helmet and put my new purchases in the basket. With a grin and a "have fun" overt shoulder Made my way back home.
There I spent half an hour watching the sun slowly set on my porch as I journaled for about half an hour before taking myself on a 3 mile run Which i once again finished by watching the sun set on my deck. After showering I sat in my overstuffed armchair and finished the book on cd while eating a small dinner and looking at my recently finished paintings. I concluded the evening with the first two hours of a documentary on the kennedy's and was asleep by 1 where I continued to adventure in my dreams.

To grandpa busch

2011-03-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

My dad told me that my grandpa prints off my blog entries and keeps them in a binder. If that is so, hello grandpa, thank you for your dedication, I love you and I look forward to seeing you next weekend!!!! Glad to hear you are feeling better!! You are in my prayers. And j love the photo of you and grandma you sent us each for christmas, it's on my desk. You two are so cuties!

New memories and old memories

2011-03-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

The air changed today. What yesterday was sharp and biting today is thick and dwelling. Spring has sprung. And the more I scoot around, hike up and run down the more I treasure the people and place of where I have been and the moments we have shared. Scooting down my street reminds me of walks taken with sisters in portland. Going out chuckanut dr and hiking pine and cedar lakes reminds me of peaceful Alaskan evenings spent with community so dear they are like family, sitting on my front steps brings back afternoons spent with the girls in Oklahoma laying on blankets in the grass reading and laughing. While going out on the back porch is mirror to sitting on this same porch sharing food and drink with friends at the sunset before my last journey north, and driving past the country houses and farms on old samish Rd brings back the winding roads of north carolina and those suspended moments of time we spent there that will remain unscathed forever in our memories. For even though I am spending these new moments alone I can never be fully alone when each new coffee shop brings me back to afternoons and evenings at crema, cuppies and Joe, starbucks on the corner of bryant and memorial, the only bakery on the only main road in town, a famous bagel place in town or waffle co out the road, a chocolate and waffle shop in brugge or a kaffeehaus in vienna. The people I have lived my life with are never gone from me. Trapped in my memories they shape the way I experience new things and how I capture the new things in life. And while I am able to take new things for what they are they become more special to me because of the feelings they elicit from good times past. My life is a continuing compilation of the people and places who have shared themselves with me.

Books I've Read

2011-03-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

My life is mostly peaceful. As i have said i spend a lot of time reading. I have read a variety of books recently and thought i would share them.

"extremely loud and incredibly close" by jonathan safran foer. This was a second read for me and is my favorite book of all time, I recommend it for everyone.

"the life of pi" by yann martel which was gifted to me by a friend just before my trip to Europe. I read this book while traveling on planes and buses and laying awake in hostels. An interesting adventure story with a twist on perception and dealing with our actions.

"Edgar sawtelle" by David wroblewski, at first a beautiful book that turns tragedy and takes up way too much time before finally getting there. I am sure you can squeeze good things out of it, but I was just angry when I was finished.

"the time travelers wife" by Audrey niffenegger, a beautiful and heartbreaking love story that also ends sadly. The writing is delicate and I couldn't put the book down.

Harry potter 1-5, I am currently on #6. I started last night and am on page 120 already, so that speaks for itself.

"the shipping news" by Annie proulx was my most recent read, one I spent a whole dedicated day in my over stuffed armchair to. The writing in this book about learning to love again is, like a teller told my friend ben, like butter oozing from her pen. Every sentence has its own intention apart from the story as a whole, but is also essential to fully comprehend the magnitude of what is happening. I am excited to read more books by this author.

I have also been reading poems by wendell berry and short stories by David sedaris and Leo Tolstoy. Any suggestions are more than welcome!

Thought

2011-03-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I envy fisherman for their strong stomaches and beautiful scenery.

Another Blogging Attempt

2011-03-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

Ok ok so I know I have great ambitions of being a great blogger and keeping all you friends and family informed and happy, but it often fizzles out to nothing. But I have done it before and succeeded. And yea, while i WAS getting paid for it, it still worked, so I know the potential exists and I plan to go after it one more time.

First to tackle the constant question of "where are you now", a fair question every time brought on by my own constant moving; I am residing in Bellingham, Wa.

For what? To go through Holland America Princess' cdl training program. (I am learning to drive big buses)

For how long? My training ends sometime in April, towards the end.

What next? I will be heading to Juneau, Ak once more, this time to drive tourists around in buses and tell them bits of history and cheesy local jokes. It may be my last time to go for the summer, though I say that every year, the call to the north is strong and the air is pure and the water just as luring as to a fisherman. But the call for community and family is now equally as strong. And people are beginning to return home.

So, what else am I doing now? I just moved into a postcard house on a puzzle box worthy street. I have unpacked my bags (finally, after living out of them for 5 months) and put things neatly away in drawers, desks and closets. I spend my time reading books, practicing piano, watching Gilmore girls, running, going to coffee shops and trying the brews on the town while borrowing their graciously offered wifi. I moved an overstuffed arm chair into my room that I spend a lot of time reading, thinking, and listening in, and I have a cute little desk right under my window to the bay where I spend my time writing. My goal is to be still, be alone, replenish, and learn the things one can only learn in silence, stillness and by being alone.

Another blogging attempt

2011-03-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Change In the Weather

2010-06-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

Things have been going really great here in Alaska. Time is actually going as time goes, passing each day mostly unrealized until one looks at the date and realizes that a whole summer month has almost gone by. It's been well-spent though.

The six of us girls still love each other dearly and have enjoyed many adventures. We hiked Mt. Roberts at midnight (using our head lamps) so we could get to the top in time for a 3:30 sunrise. The very peak of Mt. Roberts overlooks part of the Icefield behind Juneau, all up and down the Gastineau Channel that separates Douglas Island from the main city, as well as over Douglas Island. It was beautiful to watch each mountain top be lit by the rising sun.

We have also gone on many other hikes together, been camping, been climbing multiple times, had a series of dance parties in the car and in the living room, made very good use of the marshmallow gun, and continued to try our best to love and care for each other fully.

What strikes me most these days is the familiarity of Juneau. What was once just a summer fling with my sister, brother-in-law and roommate, has turned into a reoccurring theme that I can no longer deny a place in my heart. Juneau has become just as much a part of me as has any other home I have had. The faces that once had just a "that one summer in alaska" identity, have now taken on their own identity as the person behind the face has let themself be known. I walk around town and know people almost everywhere that I go. I drive past houses that once held people I love and others that still do.

The one thing that always seems to get me is the Tram. I know that sounds odd, but everytime I walk by the tram I am struck with this odd sense of familiarity. How weird it is that seeing it is normal and I can almost picture it perfectly in my mind. So many pieces of my time in Juneau have been spent around that building, all three years. Yet the building itself holds no significance to me, it is just oddly familiar.

And yet, despite the familiarity, I am still finding new things that excite me, either completely new in nature or things that have always been there yet still catch my breath every time I see them, like Mt. Juneau or the Shrine of St. Therese or whales breeching. Even my house, though I lived in it two years ago with the Chilkat family, is new and exciting to me, holding only the memories of this year while allowing the ones of old to be protected and unscathed in their own memory box seperate and apart from the one that holds the new adventures of now. As a dear friend of mine wrote "there is also a sense in which no one in the world has ever lived in that house, the past never happened, and the house and the neighborhood and the town and the mountains are all yours to experience brand new. because the winter came and went, and the new season begins" (Jackson Tandy). And this has been true for me every year, though I keep returning to the same place, it is always new.

IRELAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-06-12T00:16:00.001-07:00

just bought my ticket to ireland tonight. we (april and i) fly out of nashville on november 1st to ireland!!!

basically we leave juneau sometime around october 1st-ish, drive through portland and down to oklahoma, getting there by the 7th. stay in oklahoma until the 17th-ish and go through tennessee and then to north carolina to see the boys (jackson, garrison, joel and brad, and meeting up with chris and jake [possibly] as well as seeing abby and dylan and evan and corey, maybe convince tabitha and jon to join us), stay for as long as it takes until november 1st comes around and we find ourselves in nashville (ben, i will be seeing you then for sure, or the first time we go through, or both..i wish you were coming to ireland with us!!!!) on november 1st boarding a flight to dublin, ireland.

the states will be seeing us again december 16th-ish. i might fly from frankfurt straight to portland. in time for rachel's birthday and christmas with the fam.

so excited.

i just started baking brownies.

and today i am in juneau, alaska baking brownies while its raining outside, my new x-tra tuff boots sitting by the door (thanks greg) and my gastineau girls making crazy comments that i can't focus on while they play backgammon on the floor (i helped them with the rules, i played a lot with my sisters growing up, i was homeschooled, i am also well-practiced in card shuffling if needed) and rosie thomas comforting our anxious spirits through our new tiny $15 fred meyer computer speakers.

only 16 more minutes till the brownies are done.
sometimes when i get anxious i just bake.
but its better when i have ingredients i have to actually add together instead of pouring most of it out of a box, but i still got to lick the spoon and smell it bake so that's nice.

see, i am not even capitolizing or anything. i am too nervous/anxious/excited.
whoo!

Gastineau Girls

2010-06-01T22:24:00.001-07:00

All my roommates arrived, finally!! It's so nice to have everyone here!!

This year there are six girls living in the most perfect house up on Gastineau Ave, in the first house I lived in when I was in Juneau. We all get along really well and we love to be around each other. We have gigglefest every night, all of our abs are sore.

We have Alisha Butler, super chick who has climbed every mountain, snow climbed, rock climbed, soccer player and super super funny. She runs hills while buzzed and walks down. "I sound bad ass"

We have Vanessa Magos, the youngest of the bunch, bilingual, world traveler, expert glacier walker, and knowledgable in all things movies and really just in general. super genuine girl.
"just walk like penguins"

Alex "Michele", kansas girl in love with branson who came to work in juneau last summer after taking a cruise and going on the zipline tour. She loves to bake, giggle, owns 25 pairs of nike running shorts and we are teaching her to abbreviate. abbreive. "so crush"

April Scott is a beauty and a gem. Her hands are numb from starbucks work and she brought most of our coffee. Her and I composed a library and she studies about plants every night. We are roommates and talk to each other after lights out every night. "i love pillow talk"

Lynn Ashbey was a schoolmate of mine in Oklahoma City and is super music woman. Sometimes she plays ukulele on the porch and meets the neighbors. She can climb 5.8 climbs and has great hiking boots, things i never knew till we moved to alaska. "oh, ok"

Then there is me, third year returning, book nut and music snob, traning for my second half marathon and learning how to climb though it makes me very sore when i do. "oh whoops, thats perf"

We love each other and look forward to a perfect summer!

Duck Squad

2010-05-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

So...I saved a duck.
Helped save a duck is probably the better wording as it was Greg who was the mastermind behind the operation. Here is what happened:

Greg and I were driving to the office after work, very late I might add since we had a super later whale watch going out that we were trying to fill. So it's about 6 pm and we are driving down the only four lane road in all of Juneau when a little tiny baby duckling, about the size of a baseball, runs out in front of us and tries to cross traffic. Greg swerved and just missed it and thought things were done when, upon seeing in his rear view mirror what is was that he had in fact dodged, he suddenly became very concerned and declared, "that was a baby duck!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh, that was a baby duck!!" I tried to make him feel better by assuring him the duck was probably ok since he didn't hit it, but he was not to be consoled. He pulled a quick U-turn at the light and parked on the side of the road, ran across all four lanes of traffic, and proceeded to lunge after this tiny, scared, baby duck, almost getting hit by cars in the process.

Once safe in the car he placed the duck in my hands and, realized the gravity of the situation, "what am i going to do with this duck?", he called his mom. She advised that we take the little duck to "swampy acres" a local farm that takes care of baby animals. She had to remind Greg that he probably shouldn't keep the duck since, "it probably wouldn't be happy in your home, it needs other ducks", even though he had decided that perhaps it was fate that he saved the duck and maybe he should continue to take care of it.

We took the duck to the office so we could finish the paper work we were originally on our way to take care of. When I asked Greg if he would take the papers so I could carry the duck in he said, "you are going to carry it? LUCKY!" So I gave him the duck and took the papers in, thoroughly amused by the amount of passion he portrayed for this duck. Since our bosses have a cat we decided that we would take turns holding the duck while the other did paper work. Greg did his paper work first, then we switched. When I gave the duck to him he took it the couch, plopped down, placed the little thing in the top of his vest to keep it warm, and contentedly pet its little head and convinced his friend Robby that it wasn't geeky of him to save the duck. Seeing how in love he was and realizing we would be getting rid of it so soon I offered to drive to the farm so he could hold the duck which he agreed to all too readily.

The ride out to the farm was kind of long and spent mostly just looking at the duck and talking about how Robby probably actually liked the duck when he saw it and didn't expect it to be as cute as it was. The lady at the farm came to the door after much knocking and amusingly took the duck from us, declaring it was a "duckling", not "baby duck" or "little chick" as Greg had been calling it, and said she would put it with the other baby birds and see how it did. Reluctant to leave Greg asked, "well, can we at least see where it's going to go?" Biting my lip, I smiled being actually a little curious myself but still completely amused by the extent to which Greg cared for and was passionate about this "duckling". She did let us see where she put it, in a trough with baby turkey's who were twice his size and ugly looking, which didn't really make us feel any better about the situation. We however thanked her and went home. When I asked if he was going to call and check on it he cooly said, "no" as if he could have cared less about what happened to it, and we left.

And so, we saved a baby duck, well, a duckling.

Journey North

2010-05-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

I graduated college April 30th, 2010 and started to make my way north and the beginning of a new adventure. So far the plan is to live and work in Alaska for the summer season (into September), hopefully be able to take a road trip across the united states and then fly to Ireland and WWOOF followed by random travelings in Europe to hopefully return by the hollidays and see the fam. Whatever follows after is tbd.

After moving out of school I spent one last night with some dear friends and headed up to Tulsa to have dinner with the fam and spend a few days with the sisters, brother-in-law and new little niece. We had a few ice-cream and movie nights, trips to vintage stores, watched Tabitha do roller derby, went on walks, and were together.

Tabitha and I has the same flight out but at our lay over she boarded a plane that took her to Rhode Island and I boarded one that took me to Seattle where my friend Laura met me and drove me to Bellingham.

Once at the house she is living in with our friend Hillary and Hillary's grandpa, we discarded my bags, jumped on her scooter and went and grabbed thai food. They rest of my days spent there consisted of walks on the board walk, breakfasts with friends, time spent in book stores, dinner on the deck overlooking the bellingham bay, two trips to REI a day, a trip to trader joes, and rides in a convertable with the top down even though it was slightly cold for it (we turned the seat warmers on) and much laughter!

From there I boarded the ferry Matanuska and began my 2 1/2 day journey to Juneau. I slept under the salarium (sp?) on a lawn chair and read "Redeeming Love". The sky was clear the first night and the stars were bright and abundant. The whole first day was spent on the water and the second day we started making stops.

The first stop was in Ketchikan where I took a taxi to the Pioneer cafe for breakfast and got a small tour from my 80-year-old drive for free on the way back. He just wanted me to get my picture taken by a totem pole, too bad the shadows didn't help his photography much.

Our second stop was in Wrangel. The whole town was closed and the only people I saw were kids on the shore selling rocks to those of us who got off the ferry. I really liked Wrangel, its was really small and seemed community oriented.

Our third stop was in Petersburg but I didn't have time to get off so I bought myself some clam chouder (a nice change after a stict diet of nutella, bagels, and dried green beans) in the cafeteria on board.

That afternoon a younger native man sat by me in the salarium and asked me if I was interested in different cultures. When I said that I was he started telling me some history of the migration of his people through the very mountains that we were drifting passed. Then he took out his native american flutes and began playing and teaching others how to play. It was so perfect to lay back and listen to the native music float through the hillsides where it was once abundant. It was like an old friend had come back to visit home.

I woke up at 3:30 the next morning to get all my stuff together and prepare for our landing.

My dear friend Greg drove out to the ferry terminal at 4 AM to pick me up and take me home. Once I spotted his all too familiar beamer I realized my journey was complete, I was where I needed to be, at least for a few months.

Quick Update

2009-07-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

I just went home for a almost a week to witness my sister Sara do the unimagineable, get married. It was a great trip, great people great city great sunshine... everything was great! And since I have been back I have been more upbeat and refreshed in general. And today it got sunny here, which was nice.
Basically I have been here for like a month and a half already and only have the same amount of time left, which seems waay to short! Especially compared to last summer which seemed like a whole year in itself. I have made some new friends since being here and have really enjoyed my time getting to know them and the encouragement they have been to me in a place where I knew essentially no one. I don't really have a whole lot to report on my adventures seeing as my biggest one was going home and other than that I work almost all the time and am so tired at the end of the day that I usually just kind of veg out a little and relax and then go to bed. Sometimes I go on really long runs (like I did today) and enjoy the nice weather and the scenery. I did just purchase a car, Quirky Murky is its name, and now have some mobility of my own to cart me around town. I even bought a little disco ball in portland to hang from the rear view window. Today when the sun came out it hit the ball just right and little reflections of light shone all around my car as the song "what is love" blasted on the radio.... the classiest ride in town!

3 Weeks Of Sunshine

2009-06-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

It is incredible here! There have only been like 2 days of rain since I got here and for the last week or longer I have been wearing shorts and t-shirts. One day I even had the audocity to wear a tank top. I got burnt, again. I have basically been experiencing both kinds of Alaska, last summer was the aweful rainy and this summer is the beautiful nice, neither of them typical.

My job is still going pretty well. My bosses say I am doing a good job and I believe that I am as well. I enjoy it, mostly because it comes with being hit on by old men constantly, and who could ever ask for more?!?:)

I have started going to Crossroads Church which meets on Saturday nights and so far I really like it. I mean its different, but sometimes you need different to really understand why you are doing what you are doing and if you should be doing it. The people there are really sincere about God and they interact in each others lives throughout the week. They are like a community, its really great! Its a small church, only like 30 people including the kids, and I think I have already gotten to know them all. After church every Saturday we have a bbq at "the guys" apartment just across the street from my own. The church is actually just across the other street, its nice to have everything within waling distance!

Kate was out of town for a week and a half and let me use her car, but she just got back which is exciting to see her again, but now I am without a car again, so I really need to go get one! Which I am still working on!

I haven't seen a bear yet, which I am a little bummed about. But I have visited my old house twice, each time making it seem more and more like I really am in Juneau. Sometimes I forget its the same place as it was last summer, and also sometimes I forget that I ever left... kind of confusing I know, to always be here and to have never been here before at the same time. Anyway, Andrea (my roommate) and I hiked Mt. Roberts on Thursday or Friday and bought trinkets at the gift shop so we could ride the tram down. I bought a cute mug and then I dropped it when I got down and broke the handle.. figures.

There was a "Juneaupalooza" on Friday night with lots of local bands that played. Dearing and Down was there but they still hadn't played by midnight and we were pretty tired so we left... I have yet to watch them play.:( However there was a rap concert in town, the "Swollen Members" were here. Aparently they are awesome and my friend Greg has been a fan since he was in college a long time ago. But I met them, they were at the Hanger and Greg found out so we went and saw them and talked to them for a second, it meant basically nothing to me but I think Greg's world was changed forever. And Every Day Sunday is coming on June 14th to play so that is exciting also.

Well its a friend of mines birthday today and she is having a bonfire out the road on North Douglas so I better be off....

Back In Alaska

2009-05-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well I am back in Alaska for the summer. Perhaps this summer I will be better at keeping up to date on my blogging.
I got here 2 weeks ago today but it doesn't really seem like it has been that long. This year I came by myself, no sister or roommate or anything. However I am working for some good friends that I met last year, so I am not completely alone.
So far it has been a weird whirlwind of familiarity mixed with something quite the opposite. As soon as I stepped off the plane and into Greg's car and began driving down the highway towards town I felt as though I had stepped back in time, as if I had never left. Ever since that moment I have had to figure out what is still the same and what has changed. Most of the places and even some of the people have not changed at all since I left last summer, but I have changed and so have those around me. I am meeting new people and reaquainting with some old ones, and its been a giant game of figuring out where things are now and what my place is in this city this time around.
I have so far been enjoying myself. I stayed with a girl I knew last year for the first week and a half and two days ago I finally moved into my new home for the summer. A different home that I was planning on, but this one is closer to town and with Christians as well as a little bit cheaper. My job is going great, I am doing well and my bosses keep praising me every day and saying that I am their "Ace". It is a day by day thing though, and every day brings with it is own possibility of doing either really well or really poorly. I am a "booth person" which means I stand in a booth in a row of booths and vie for the tourists attention so I can sell them tours and make commission. Its actually kind of fun and entertaining because all day long I get to people watch and my actions bring direct results. However I never know going into the day how I am going to come out of it, if I will have made a good amount of money or barely anything. It keeps me on my toes.
Its been a little hard just making myself feel comfortable and at home here again, happy. Most of the people I hung out with last year are not here any more and so in the evenings after work I have to find new ways of having fun. A few nights I have spent by myself and while some have been really nice and relaxing, I can't help but feel a tinge of lonliness at not having anyone to share these moments with. But over the weeks I have been meeting new people and rekindling old aquaintances that I think will turn into nice friendships this year, so I am not too worried, its just the time spent before everything gets rolling that is the hardest. It always is, but it always works out as well.
For those of you who know, Doc Waters, Chilkat Cones and that little diner have all closed down and are now just empty rooms. The parking lot across the street where the busses pick up and drop off is half demolished along with part of the hill behind it, they are making a parking lot. The Mongolian grill is gone and is now an Italian place that isn't that great, but it still looks the exact same and is run by the same people. They have new booths down on the docks, they are really tall and wooden, although the ones on the other side of the tram are the same, but they have been painted white instead of green. Silverbow I think has new paint on the inside, but the colors may still be the same, althout some things have been rearranged in the front area where you order food. That big cabinet is gone and there are shelves on the wall instead. The church by my old house (where some ACA guides are living, the Tandy's and Joel Hunt along with a guy Brad Hurd from school and another guy Jeff are all in there, so I have visited and it was awesome, different but still so much the same) is almost finished now, it used to just be a construction site with a big sign of a picture of the new church and a newspaper ad about when the church burnt down. The man in the wheel chair is still there still saying the same jokes, and the same homeless people are still walking around, although they have taken to sitting on benches and holding signs asking for money. Also the Creating Place has closed down which I was extremely sad about, and there is new Weimer art up in Heritage (Coffee, not Heights, which I still keep saying). I still get asked what there is to do at the Glacier and people still want to know what sea level we are at and how far town is from the very beginning of town. Softball games are every Monday and we wear pink tye-dye and are still called the seabreezes, as we should be. Jackie still bought new shoes on her birthday and ACA is still running around in their water proof jackets, but they can only wear jeans now I think. I still see the guides who live in Juneau catch the boat over to the site, hoping they are at the right dock, and that bear chair is still there, only it has a fresh coat of paint as does the sun dial. I miss you all and if you have the money you should definitely come and visit me!!!!!!!!

Sorry It Has Been So Long

2008-09-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

Well, as you may know, I am now back in Oklahoma attending school for my junior year. Sorry I wasn't better at keeping up with my blog while I was in Juneau. I will high light some of the important things:
-I worked at a zipline company and it was fun.
-I had bears on my street quite often, but I survived.:)
-I saw a lot of whales and I even saw them bubble net feeding!!! If you don't know what that is, google it, its amazing!
-I spent the whole summer with my sister Tabitha and her husband. I miss them!
-I wasn't able to attend church while I was there (very much) since I worked on Sundays and the church was far anyway and I didn't have a car. But in this I was forced to grow and I relearned what it means to LIVE out your faith. Without the crutch of a church to lean upon to make one feel like the life they are living is fine, one must choose to either ignore their meaningless life or to take action and boldy live out their faith! Everyone that I was surrounded by (well, most of them) were not christians, but knew that I was. Many asked me questions and I answered honestly, I became a living, real, example of what and who a TRUE christian is and should look like. I redefined my own skewed vision of what that looks like as well. I also learned to love the person despite the sin, to truly truly love.
-I flew on a helicopter and landed on a glacier, walked around a little.
-I hiked a LOT!
-A friend I went to Europe with came on a cruise and I got to spend the day with him.
-I got hit on by a LOT of homeless men! A LOT!
-I cooked for myself a lot.
-I made friendships that will undoubtably last a lifetime!
-I became interested in politics and bought a canvass bag to take to the grociery store instead of always using plastic bags.
-I started drinking rice milk.
-I was the victim of a break in and entering and had a lot of things stolen. Through this I realized all the more what little value the items in my possession have to my overall goals in life. How little I actually need THINGS for survival and entertainment.
-I read a LOT of books. I still am.
-I walked a LOT!
-I flew on a float plane.
-I ate fresh fish.
-I watched the Olympics like a fanatic.
-I saw "Mama Mia" for the first time.
-I got rained on.
-I had the time of my life and I believe I will be forever changed from it. I learned a lot about life, about the human nature, about the Lord and about Love. I learned about myself and how to value others. I learned to separate work from home life. I learned to take time to myself every now and then. I learned about some new music. I learned how to stand up for my own beliefs without pushing them down the throats of the unwilling and how to talk sensibly with those who were questioning. I learned to challenge myself to seek the answers from where they are most likely to be found. I learned to appreciate the here and now and to not always wish for something else. I learned to live and live is what I did.

Part of Me

2008-06-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

I have been living quite a frenzy of activities lately. My roommate Angie and I got to ride in a Helicopter up to the glacier and walk around up there. A couple days later a couple of us girls went out to the shrine of St. Therese, which may possibly be the most beautiful place on earth, ate pints of Ben and Jerry's for dinner and watched the whales blow their snouts. A couple days after that we woke up to someone in our house, called the cops, and never found the guy. However, when we came upstairs we did notice that Travis' wallet, Angie's camera, my wallet, camera, lap top, journal from Italy and a favorite necklace of mine we all gone. We have yet to find any trace of them anywhere.

And through it all I am still convinced that I am in the right place at the right time. I haven't been able to attend church very much since my job conflicts with it usually. Also, I work with many people, even live with some, who are not Christian. I meet hundreds of people every day. Since I don't have the doors of the church to hide behind to make me feel like I am being a "good" Christian, I am forced to LIVE my faith. Every day I have to figure out what I believe and I talk about it with people who may not know yet where they stand. I am not on some sort of "mission trip" as some are whom I have met here, they stop people on the side of the road and conduct surveys, they work with churches. I am just living the life of a Christian, as I should EVERY DAY of my life. I am not saying that I am "better" than them in any way, but I have done those mission trip things and then I have gone home and lived my life the same as I did before thinking, "well, I have done my sharing for the year, next summer I will share some more." I am instead learning how to incorporate sharing into my every day life; I am sure to live a good example for I know that many many eyes are watching me to see what a "Christian" life is like. I am making relationships with people and I hope that they can see a difference in me.

And yes, I am enjoying my life here- all my fun adventures have been perfect. I love my "family" of house mates and I am glad we stick together when the unpleasant things of life intrude upon our happy dwelling. We remain a family through it all and we continue to see and enjoy the good things of life and place that we have found ourselves in at this moment: Alaska and all it entails.

My life consists of...

2008-05-20T19:39:00.001-07:00

My stay in Juneau, Alaska has definitely had its unique and defining characteristics. For one, right before I got here an avalanche destroyed most of one of the cities power plants or where ever they get their power from, and we are now running on diesel, so there has been some serious power saving action happening. Our dryer puts holes in our clothes anyway, so whenever we do laundry we lay stuff all over our rooms and bathrooms to dry.Juneau is actually quite a rainy and foggy town so I get cold a lot when I work, but I still love my job. I just haven’t had a chance to go hiking or anything yet.I like to walk around town a lot, it’s really pretty. It’s funny because during the day the town is such a touristy place, but then at night when they all leave it becomes just your regular small town again-only tucked between a bunch of snowy mountains and a channel from the ocean.The boys in my house aren't your typical boys; they like to play 4 hour games of chess. We prefer it stay that way.Most shops and restaurants close at 6pm, so Kayla and I don’t really have any where to go in the evenings since all that is open are the bars. But we try and make our own fun. We like to go on walks around town, take lots of pictures, and when we get our first pay check, perhaps we will go to some restaurants.There is a "homeless" man that sits in a wheelchair on the main street every day and asks for money. However, many a time I have seen him on his cell phone, in a taxi, and walking. I know that the whole town must see it too because it’s a small town.

Whenever we go grocery shopping we either go to the one in town and carry our bags all across town, or we take the bus 45 minutes to the valley and shop at wall-mart (L) or Fred Meyers (J) and then carry $50 worth of groceries on the bus and then through town once again.

Today during work a homeless man started talking to me while I was trying to depart a tour and was asking if I really got paid to hold a sign and talk to people.

I get hit on by old men ALL the time!!!!

One of our favorite passed times is to either sit in our living room in the “carpeted area” or go bowling.

I went to church (finally) and, wouldn’t you know it, there is someone here that knows my family! A Hinds even- they are everywhere!!

I see bald eagles at least 2 or 3 times a week. Last night I watched one swoop down on the water to catch some food.

Watching the cruise ships leave at night has become a hobby, and on nice nights I like to go out and sit on the dock. The lights on the water are beautiful!

Kayla and I really enjoy to watch some Gilmore Girls if we need a time filler.

People continue to keep randomly coming over, but we are getting to know them better now. We had a lot of group dinners with some guitar accompaniment almost as a must.

I still miss my family and even my home church; it has something really going for it that a lot of churches are missing.

bears on stairs 2

2008-05-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

also we have been told that soon, when the bears wake up, that since our house is on a big mountain, they may be on our stairs when we get home from work or wake up in the morning.

bears on stairs

2008-05-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

i am working in Alaska this summer, in Juneau. it has been so fabulous so far! i have only been here for 5 days but it seems like a year already. i get along great with all my housemates so far and everyday is an adventure.
there is kayla, who came with me from school. we met in the seattle airport where we had the same connecting flight to alaska. so far it has been her first plane ride, bus ride, zip line, living outside of the texas/oklahoma area, and perhaps seeing mountains of such a sort. also boat ride i think.
there is angie, who went to OC too actually, but she graduated quite before my time. she is 28. she is super fun and we both love a fine frenzy and ingrid michaelson- kindrid spirits we call her. she is a dock rep like myself and so we go to work together in the mornings and are currently practicing mock trials of our speal that we will give for work.
morris (technically jeremy morris, but he just goes by morris) is also 28 and formerly from tenessee, but he recently lived 4 years in hawaii and then traveled for 4 months in central america. he was a biology major and recently got a big box of books from his library about animals in north america. he also just became the proud owner of a free station wagon that only holds 2 gallons of gas at a time. so when he got it we went on a "family excursion" to fred meyers (which they have in ALASKA!!!), and it was quite the adventure. he eats a lot of natural boxed indian food and has beautiful blue eyes.
travis is from texas through and through. he is 24 and was a philosophy major, enjoys playing the guitar and drinking bear. also world of warcraft occupies a lot of his free time, that is when he is not zipping, hiking, buying bear, or listening to music on our new speakers. he is really funny and is now the proud owner of an 18 pack of corn dogs and huge box of macaroni.

we all like to swap books, have dance parties in our kitchen, random deep conversations about religion, panting when we get up our 141 stairs to our house, doing the dishes in our dish washer and sharing our food. we often share youtube videos and sit around together in our living room, spending only enough time in our rooms to sleep and get ready for the day. our jobs are great and we all enjoy them. people are constantly popping into our home and i dont even know any of them, but i enjoy their random visits. we like it here in alaska.

things from a book

2008-04-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

“I see no enemy to a fortunate issue but in the brow; and that brow professes to say- ‘I can live alone, if self-respect and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered at a price I cannot afford to give.’ The forehead declares, ‘Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, and they are; but judgment shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shock, and fire may pass by; but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience.’”
~Jane Eyre

here i am wishing

2008-03-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

I am laying on my floor studying monotonously for a psychology test I have at 8 in the morning, and my roommate is just feet from me on speakerphone with her best friend buying tickets to return to Ireland this summer (she went last summer)...
i find myself wishing i could do the same....

Flustering Snow

2008-03-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

I went out my door this morning to find that it was snowing, not an uncommon occurrence for Oklahoma at this time of the year. It never sticks which is kind of aggravating at times, but a blessing at others. I sighed, for today I was tired of the cold, grabbed my jacket and made my trek across campus to run an errand. I checked my mail as I passed through the student center AND I HAD A PINK SLIP!! A package for me!! Not a common occurrence for this girl in Oklahoma. I didn’t have time to pick it up but concluded to so on my way back through when I went back to my room.
Walking out the other side of the building I heard murmurs from people all around me telling each other the obvious- it was snowing. I laughed a little to myself and started dreaming about my package and who it could be from and what could be inside... a puppy maybe? J

As I watched the flakes flutter down from the sky my thoughts got interrupted by a loud scream. I turned and there coming out of a building was some guy who made the poor choice of wearing a T-shirt today. He was done yelling down and had moved on to loudly sharing his displeasure with the weather and his discomfort in his current state. I was a little annoyed at him for intruding on everyone else’s state of being on account of his own poor choices. “Why do people have to make everyone around them suffer just because they are?” I thought to myself, protruding a little of my anger onto myself for being guilty of the same thing at times.

About an hour later I finally had the time to retrieve my package! I couldn’t even wait. I had two things, a small envelope and a small box. Upon further inspection I noticed that they were from a very beautiful lady from my church at home. I opened the envelope carefully and there inside was a card wishing me a happy Easter and spring with some money. Inside the package were a couple of nice shirts she thought I might like. I was humbled and quickly my thoughts turned to an email I had sent my parents asking them to help me out with some extra money stuff. I was ashamed. I wondered if they had shared my request with people at church who would now feel sorry for me and try to help out with pity. I don’t want to be one those people who mooches off of everyone, or like that T-shirted guy, who makes sure everyone knows when they are experiencing discomfort of any kind.

After I had calmed down a little bit I became rational again. Maybe my parents didn’t really say anything to her and she just did this out of the kindness of her heart…not an uncommon thing for this lady to do. And even if she did know I needed a little extra money, wouldn’t she be even more beautiful for stepping out and actually giving from the blessings that she has? Aren’t we, as a church, supposed to take care of each other? Shouldn’t this kind of act be showing up in the lives of everyone as our love for each other causes us to desire to bless those around us? Slowly my irritation wore off and I was able to be thoroughly thankful for the package and this beautiful lady. While still plagues with small bits of shame and guilt, I resolved to try and bless others as this woman had blessed me.

Give and Take

2008-02-20T12:14:00.000-08:00

Every week, for one of my classes, I get to spend an hour hanging out with an older lady that lives in a retirement center near by. I call her "my old lady", and I really like her. She smells like maple syrrup, has one eye that goes off to the side, is full of smiles, and always ready to talk with me openly and honestly.
I am supposed to ask her questions related to our class, so classes about aging and the things that come with it, and at the end of the semester I am supposed to write a paper about it. I am so thankful for this class or else I would have never met my old lady. We talk for an hour and I jot down the things that she says, trying my best to preserve the wisdom and experiences that may die once she does if no one is careful about collecting them. And every time we are done I slowly walk back to my room pondering over some bit of subject that she has shed her unique light on.
Today I didn't really have anything planned, so on my way over I jotted down a few ideas in my notebook. I thought about how old she is, 82, and how so many of her friends and family must have passed on before her- I asked her how she copes with that. When my words fell upon warm air that filled her house she paused for a second, gazed off for a bit and finally said, "I think I am getting hard."
Closing up to feeling and not allowing people to get close- do we all do that or is this something only my old lady and I understand? Why do we fear pain so much? Why do we feel that everyone will only end up letting us down- that is if we give them chance to even try? Why do we choose to silently suffer and put on a face for everyone else? And why is pain such a horrible thing? Don't we learn from it? But it's nice to be happy- to brush it off like we aren't affected. And what is wrong with that? Why can't we hold every one at arms length? We are happy then at least aren't we?...or are we?

Gone Missing

2008-02-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

My life is a smorgasbord of activities lately. I have a lot more homework than I have done in the last 9 months of my life, and it has been interesting getting back in the swing of things. I have spring sing practice quite often, but every week practices are at different times, days, and locations. Every Friday I have my house cleaning job, and scattered throughout my week I will occasionally babysit or have my leisurely activities. But here is what really gets me, my work study job. It is the easiest job you could ask for. I am a receptionist and all I do is sit at a desk and do homework. Sometimes I have to hand out keys or vacuums to girls who are desperate for my services, but mostly I remain unbothered and quite productive. My times during the week are set, unless we have to switch in the invasive spring sing practice gets in the way of our already routinely schedules lives. This mess in my routine equals a mess in my head and I get confused about the hours I switch….just one more thing to keep track of. Every other weekend I work at this desk and I sign up for my hours. I am usually quite good about keeping track of work and being faithful to my duties, always on time, the person everyone can count on… This week however, with three tests, an average of 4 hours of sleep a night, a couple of spring sing practices including a lock-in, and a lot of switching hours, I have already been late and/or skipped work twice!!!!! I don’t know where my head has gone, but I feel as though this week I have gone missing.